The Unofficial American Express and Ameriprise Financial Advisors Consumer Opinion & Reviews Forum

vulforthehomeless

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Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Oct 1^st, 2007, 3:30pm

Yes, I know this company is easier to rip on than a bean burrito...but here it goes

Do you know what the differance between seeing an Ameriprise Advisor and seeing a prostitute is?
When you see a prostitute you both get screwed:)

Do you know the difference between a P1 advisor and a large pizza?
-A large pizza can actually feed a family:)

What do Ameriprise and Cat Stevens have in common?
-They both keep getting weirder since they changed their names:)

A ship is sinking and you only have room for 1 more person on the lifeboat...your choices are a child molester and an Ameriprise Advisor-who do you choose?
Answer: Who cares? or Leg room:)

What's the difference between McDonalds and Ameriprise?
McDonalds has better training
McDonalds is better for you
McDonalds does not charge you $300.00 bucks for a menu and it has more than two choices:)

Ameriprise Advisor Tip sheet:

VUL- just cause it has the word universal in it does not mean that it is a suitable recommendation for everyone.

Hedge Fund-it has nothing to do with the shrubs in your yard.

Bond-it is an investment as well as what you post to get of jail for fraud charges.

Ameriprise: "Not since dentristy in the early 1800s have such poorly trained professionals been allowed to put anything in an American's orifice".

Ameriprise "What's Next?"(one of their tag lines)... Ummm I'm gonna guess compliance problems, a class action lawsuit, Fines?

Ameriprise Compass logo...Cause they are still out looking for the stolen consumer data!
...Cause they don't have a script for finding their way home

Ameriprise Financial: The Special Olympics of the Securities industry.
Ameriprise Financial: Proving that your retirement and your broker can take the short buss to work.

Much like Ron Burgandy in the Anchorman movie your ameriprise advisor will say anything scripted...Good night Minneapolis and go F#uck Yourself!

What's the difference between an out of work actor and an out of work Ameriprise Advisor? One of them can read a script convincingly:)

What's the difference between an actor and an Ameriprise Advisor? While they both love scripts, the actor is the one that serving you lunch and the Advisor is the one paying for it.

What do you call an Ameriprise advisor whose girlfriend dumps him?
Homeless:)

From the Twin Cities come the twin products VUL and RAVA
With the twin characteristics overpriced and oversold.

Riversource? I am going to guess what gets flushed from the executive washroom from some company in Minneapolis...

Threedneedle...One of the many weird things they will make you do in the interview process...
Threedneedle...No wonder all of you Ameriprise guys are always talking about the size of your share price.
Ameriprise Financial: From the land of 10,000 lakes comes the management of 10,000 mistakes:)

Advertising Section:
Hopper Says "much like a contact buzz everyone gets a VUL"
Hopper Says "you don't have to give up your dreams to the authorities when you turn 60"...Don't let the man with his ideas of fraud and securities laws violations hold you back"

"Free Retirement Check In"-With our products you can check in but you can never leave...(get it- Hotel California reference and Surrender charges).

From "winning" a free lunch and learn to winning free meals on wheels from your local church you and your Ameriprise advisor can plan your retirement.

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What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

vulforthehomeless

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Posts: 1087

Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #1 - Oct 1^st, 2007, 5:08pm

What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?

-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise:)

:)

What's the difference between the Bible and the "dream book"?
In the bible you can go to two places heaven or hell...One good one bad
In the dream book you can only go to a VUL or RAVA...neither looks all that good.

Do you know why they recalled all of the original dream books from Ameriprise offices?
Advisors colored them all in...

Dear Mr. Cracchiolo,
the Minnesota board of Tourism would like to thank you in advance for angering the most protest happy generation in history. We look forward to putting them up when they realize how horrible their retirement is going to be. ..Would it be possible to place a link from our board's site on your web page?

Hopper says "no man that's not a bad trip flashback, that's your actual retirement".

Why do Ameriprise advisor's use scripts?
Early test marketing showed negative results from advisors screaming "squeal like a pig to clients".

Hopper says "He's not a good man, He's not a bad man he's Cracchiolo"
Hopper says "You don't talk to Cracchiolo-man you listen"

It gets pretty cold in Minnosota...Has anyone checked to see if Cracchiolo is out back with his tongue stuck to the company flagpole?

Hey Cracchiolo, thanks for keeping all the class action lawyers kids in private schools.

Hey Cracchiolo, I know it snows a lot in Minnosota, but you can't expect the snow to cover up your companies compliance problems like it does the dog turds in your yard...

Someone should check the board of this company for closed head injuries from snowball fights and sledding...

Hey Minnapolis, just cause it rarely gets above zero there doesn't mean that your companys products' performance have to keep pace with this average benchmark...See Umm others in the industry do things differently.

Hey Cracchiolo, are you and the board just faking it till you make it?

Wow marketing and advertising are like beer goggles for the average American when making financial decisions--Sadly, you wake up next to VUL or Rava with their bloated fees and poor looking performance...too embarrassed to tell your friends about it...Hey Cracchiolo, which one is the really fat chick and which one is the moped RAVA or VUL cause I get it confused sometimes...

Hey Minnapolis, just cause they say Lutherans consider doing the dishes as foreplay, does not mean that this is all I want to do in retirement...

Hey Ameriprise board, is the red chair in your ads the one that Cracchiolo makes you guys sit in when you speak up in meetings? Is it the "Time out" chair?

Hey Ameriprise board, was Cracchiolo ice fishing one day when he decided that this company should be the bottom feeder of the industry?

What's the difference between using Ameriprise Financial for your retirement and dumping it all in NASCAR collectibles?
You can decorate your house with NASCAR stuff:)

Hey Ameriprise Advisors, How can you tell your FVP or GVP is lying?
....He/or she is at work.

Hey Cracchiolo, what do you get when you combine an Ameriprise Field office with compliance?
-not sued

Hey Cracchiolo, is it cheaper to get company exposure through the news,fines, class action lawsuits and web complaints... than to hire Hopper? Or are you just a F#CKin' Idiot?

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What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

vulforthehomeless Anti-Ameriprise Offline Member of Amexsux Posts: 1087	Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes Reply #2 - Oct 1^st, 2007, 5:10pm What's the difference between being and Ameriprise client and being a pregnant women? The pregnant women actually gets something out of being screwed.
Back to top	What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

vulforthehomeless

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Posts: 1087

Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #3 - Oct 3^rd, 2007, 9:48am

What's the difference between Saddam Hussian and James Cracchiolo?
-Saddam is well hung

Did you hear that Cracchiolo and Hopper are coming out with a new movie?
-It's called Sleazy Rider

Do you know why Cracchiolo opposed the compass logo?
-He could not think of two more products for the other two directions.

What's the difference between an FVP and a hemorrhoid?
-You can use cream to get a hemorrhoid off your ass.

What's the difference between the corrupt UN Oil for food program and Ameriprise?
-Ameriprise actually gives away food

What's the difference between the Grim Reaper and your Ameriprise advisor?
-One brings death, the other makes you wish for it.

What's the difference between an Ameriprise plan and a mass grave?
-One's a stinking hole and the other Wholly stinks.

What's the difference between dinner theater and an Ameriprise presentation?
-In dinner theater, you get to eat while some hack goes through his script.

What's the difference between choosing an Ameriprise advisor and having testicular cancer?
-With the cancer, your nuts are F#cked.

What's the difference between seeing an Ameriprise Advisor and a dominatrix?
-The dominatrix does not still hurt you years later.
-With a dominatrix, you get what you pay for...

How do you know your Ameriprise advisor is successful?
-It's his 11th week in the business.

How do you know your Ameriprise advisor is honest?
-He or she is quitting.

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What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

vulforthehomeless

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Posts: 1087

Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #4 - Oct 5^th, 2007, 3:23pm

Still proving that this company is the laughingstock of the securities industry...

What's the difference between crab lice and Ameriprise advisors?
Ameriprise Advisors are big bloodsuckers that smell like crotch, while crab lice are small bloodsuckers that smell for crotch.

What's the difference between illegal aliens and Ameriprise advisors?
-Migrant workers as opposed to migrating workers...

What's the difference between Sen. Larry Craig and your Ameriprise Advisor?
-Sen. Craig will only screw you in the bathroom...

The did you know section:
(Starring Bottom feeder and Ameriprise CEO James Cracchiolo)
Did you know that:
-James Cracchiolo claims that he's hosed more hippies than the Chicago police?
-The character Frado in the godfather movies is based on Cracchiolo?
-Cracchiolo's 4H project was a toxic waste dump...he got fined
-The sequel to Brokeback mountain is going to star Cracchiolo and Hopper...They are going to call it "Broke Ass Retirement"!
-Cracchiolo makes the board of the company call him Don Cracchiolo.
-Cracchiolo once met Sen. Craig in a bathroom in Minnesota...Sen. Craig complained about the "investment of his time" and mumbled something about "performance"...
-Right now Cracchiolo is pouting because the board won't buy him a death star!
-Right now most of the Company's board is out looking for a "death star dealership".
-Cracchiolo thinks he's the pope cause he overheard a securities examiner leaving his office mumbling under his breath "their's no hope"...
-The board believes him....
-Cracchiolo believes that Bigfoot, unicorns and the Ameriprise Compliance department really exist...
-Cracchiolo is Italian for crab lice...
-Cracchiolo believes that he is the King of Minnesota...
(The board believes him...).
- The ghost of John Tappan (the companies founder) haunts under an assumed name...

Still more Jokes about the Laughingstock of the financial industry...

They call them "personal financial Advisors" at Ameriprise because you are getting screwed...Since it is not that personal elsewhere they simply call them Financial Advisors.

What's the difference (besides IQ) between the average person and an Ameriprise Advisor? Crap only comes out of the anus of an average person...

Still more did you know jokes, cause it is still the laughingstock of the industry:

Did you know that:
-The board of Ameriprise starts of every meeting with Lunchables and a rerun of "life goes on" episodes to psych them up for the voting...
-Ameriprise corporate headquarters is heated solely through the burning of complaint letters from clients...
-They have enough letters to heat the building until 2030
-They tell the board of Ameriprise that the helmets that they wear so they don't hurt themselves are "viking helmets".
-They tell James Cracchiolo and the board of this company that the short yellow bus that comes to pick them up every morning for work is a Limo...

Did you know that:
-The name of the company was supposed to be Ameri-prize on account of the free lunches...But since most of the board was "hoomeskooled" as they put on their resumes...they got the spelling wrong...
-Jessie Ventura left the state of Minnesota, because he was so embarrassed by Ameriprise...
-Ed McMahon was originally asked to star in the Ameriprise commericals, but he declined saying "At least someone wins with publisher's clearinghouse sweepstakes, nobody wins with Ameriprise".
-James Cracchiolo never made it to the mile high club, cause he likes to take the low road.

What's the difference between the Donner party and a lunch and learn winner? The Donner party was at least suspicious that they were being "fattened up, right nice- fur the kill"...

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What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

macca

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Friends don't let friends
use Ameriprise!
Posts: 4685
Summer-Rockies, Winter-beach

Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #5 - Oct 8^th, 2007, 12:16pm

There once was a salesman at Ameriprise
That spent all his days telling clients lies
But then they met me
And I set them free
Now at Vanguard they have their financial ties!

There once was a salesman named bluebox
That snickered like mad at his client's costs
He sold them all crap
As he patted their back
And laughed when their money was all lost

AMP salesmen all sold crummy VUL
Thinking they would make a big haul
The fees were so high
Clients wanted to die
And the SEC they did all call

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BLUEBOX SAYS: "MACCA IS RIGHT ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS!!"&&

macca

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Friends don't let friends
use Ameriprise!
Posts: 4685
Summer-Rockies, Winter-beach

Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #6 - Oct 8^th, 2007, 12:22pm

"There's No More Reassuring Voice In Retirement Planning Than Dennis Hopper

There's no denying it anymore: I'm getting to that point in my life where I should start thinking seriously about my retirement. I'll be living on a fixed income, so careful management of my assets will be crucial. That's why Dennis Hopper's television spots for Ameriprise Financial are so reassuring. Retirement planning means a lot of decision making, and thank God I have the soothing presence of that amyl nitrite–huffing, obscenity-screaming, psychosexual lunatic from Blue Velvet to guide me through it.

I don't think I'm alone in saying that when I first saw Frank Booth dry hump, humiliate, and otherwise violently sexually assault Isabella Rossellini while calling her Mommy, I couldn't help but think stability, tranquility, and, most of all, security. The authoritative, crazed wheeze of this boozing, womanizing, rage-driven actor is a guiding light in the unpredictable, confusing world of investing.

That's why I know I can trust Ameriprise. I'm sure that Dennis Hopper wouldn't represent a company that was anything other than a rock of respectability. When I hear him in those commercials, it's the familiar voice of a coke- dealing, LSD-fueled hippie cowboy biker putting me at ease. "

The whole article:
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/theres_no_more_reassuring_voice

(Note: "dry hump, humiliate, and otherwise violently sexually assault Isabella Rossellini while calling her Mommy" somehow reminds me of AMP salesmen on this site.)

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BLUEBOX SAYS: "MACCA IS RIGHT ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS!!"&&

vulforthehomeless Anti-Ameriprise Offline Member of Amexsux Posts: 1087	Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes Reply #7 - Dec 27^th, 2007, 5:18pm "99% of Ameriprise Advisors give the rest a bad name" (I wish I could take credit for this but it was a quote).
Back to top	What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

vulforthehomeless

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Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #8 - Dec 27^th, 2007, 6:11pm

Q. What do you call an honest Ameriprise Manager?
A. Plaintiff

What's the difference between Ameriprise Advisors and Nigerian 419 scammers?
-The Nigerians write their own material
-The Nigerians don't use scripts
-The Nigerians can probably afford to shop at Costco
-The Nigerians don't pester their friends and family
-The Nigerians are smart enough to avoid pyramid scams
-The Nigerians don't have to "take numbers" everyday
-The Nigerians don't have to "fake it till they make it"
-The Nigerians won't try to sell you a VUL

A couple of ameriprise employees were overheard talking about the companies' board and CEO by several board members. They were so distraught by what they heard that they called an emergency board meeting. After eating their lunchables and telling Cracchiolo that they were called the second worst management team after Enron the room was silent for 10 minutes. Finally Cracchiolo pounded the table and yelled out "Not fair, I did hear anyone yell start and besides, I'm still CEO!"

Did you know that Cracchiolo cried when he was told that his advisors would not be legally able to "waterboard" clients to get them to sign. Sobbing that now nobody will want to buy his financial plans...

How do you ruin an Ameriprise Advisors day? Tell him that the last advisor that bought you lunch was so much better at reciting the lunch and learn script.

Did you know that originally the chair in the ads was going to be black, but AMP's legal department thought that it may mislead clients to thinking that they would not be "in the red" with their investments.

Did you hear that Ameriprise was considering moving it's headquarters to the arctic circle... Apparently the complaint letters are stacking up and the two warm months in Minn prevent them from burning them year round.

Did you know that Cracchiolo wants to meet Santa, cause he wants to brag to a man that works one day a year that he works none.

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What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

SayWhat

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Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #9 - Feb 2^nd, 2008, 9:00am

vulforthehomeless wrote on Dec 27^th, 2007, 6:11pm:

Q. What do you call an honest Ameriprise Manager?
A. Plaintiff

What's the difference between Ameriprise Advisors and Nigerian 419 scammers?
-The Nigerians write their own material
-The Nigerians don't use scripts
-The Nigerians can probably afford to shop at Costco
-The Nigerians don't pester their friends and family
-The Nigerians are smart enough to avoid pyramid scams
-The Nigerians don't have to "take numbers" everyday
-The Nigerians don't have to "fake it till they make it"
-The Nigerians won't try to sell you a VUL

A couple of ameriprise employees were overheard talking about the companies' board and CEO by several board members. They were so distraught by what they heard that they called an emergency board meeting. After eating their lunchables and telling Cracchiolo that they were called the second worst management team after Enron the room was silent for 10 minutes. Finally Cracchiolo pounded the table and yelled out "Not fair, I did hear anyone yell start and besides, I'm still CEO!"

Did you know that Cracchiolo cried when he was told that his advisors would not be legally able to "waterboard" clients to get them to sign. Sobbing that now nobody will want to buy his financial plans...

How do you ruin an Ameriprise Advisors day? Tell him that the last advisor that bought you lunch was so much better at reciting the lunch and learn script.

Did you know that originally the chair in the ads was going to be black, but AMP's legal department thought that it may mislead clients to thinking that they would not be "in the red" with their investments.

Did you hear that Ameriprise was considering moving it's headquarters to the arctic circle... Apparently the complaint letters are stacking up and the two warm months in Minn prevent them from burning them year round.

Did you know that Cracchiolo wants to meet Santa, cause he wants to brag to a man that works one day a year that he works none.

See what I mean? Your LP conjugal visit joke pales in comparison to this posting.

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Just an advisor.. not claiming any sides here, but lets face it - there's good and bad everywhere.

vulforthehomeless

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Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #10 - Jan 12^th, 2009, 11:09am

What are the two things you don't want at tax time?
-An IRS audit and an Ameriprise advisor

What has 24,000 legs, sounds the same all across America and brushes it's teeth with it's fingers?
-The Ameriprise sales force

What's the difference between taking all of your money out of the bank, flying to Tibet climbing Mt. Everest and burying it in the ground Or, letting your Ameriprise advisor pick a money market account to put your money in?
-Access, you can always get your money out of the ground in Tibet.

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What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

Webmaster

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Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes
Reply #11 - Jan 12^th, 2009, 5:10pm

A song from an amexsux reader:

The Ameriprise Theme Song:
(sung to the tune of "Come Sail Away" by the Styx)

I'm selling away, set an open course and referrals for me
Ive got to be free, free to sell crap that's the life that's ahead of me
I'm bored, I'm the advisor, so darn bored
Well search for investments no matter how poor
And I'll try, oh lord, Ill try to carry on

I look to me, reflections in the mirror spark my memory
Some scripts, some calls
I think of childhood friends and the sales we had
You'll live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But I think it's best that we can to carry on

A gathering of cons appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sell away, come sell away
Come sell away with me
Come sell away, come sell away
Come sell away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They grabbed their passports and headed for the skies
Singing come sell away, come sell away
Come sell away with me
Come sell away, come sell away
Come sell away with me

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Find out why American Express and Ameriprise sucks!

Visit http://www.amexsux.com for American Express.
Visit http://www.ameriprisesuck.com for Ameriprise Financial Advisors.

vulforthehomeless Anti-Ameriprise Offline Member of Amexsux Posts: 1087	Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes Reply #12 - Dec 22^nd, 2009, 2:45am "Ameriprise financial is like MTV's the "Jersey Shore" and Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann had a kid!" (I wish I would have said it)
Back to top	What's the difference between Ameriprises' James Cracchiolo and Star Trek's captain Kirk?&& &&-Captain Kirk can run an Enterprise

tgw3k Amexsux New User Offline Member of Amexsux Posts: 16	Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes Reply #13 - Oct 12^th, 2010, 12:25am Whats the differance between your portfolio and mine? Common sense. Enjoy your jokes when you're homeless and eating the seeds you invested in. Plus most of these jokes are adaptations of racial jokes, meaning your ignorance extends past investing.
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creamXX39 Amexsux New User Offline Member of Amexsux Posts: 1	Re: Ameriprise Advisors and Prostitutes Reply #14 - Aug 1^st, 2011, 12:50am Thank you very much. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- คาสิโนออนไลน[ch36...-บาคาร่าออนไลน[ch3...-บาคาร่า-แทงบอล-แทงบอลออนไลน[ch36...
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